Why I Do This  .  .  .   My Story . . .  by Dottie Drake

More than 30 years ago, my baby daughter died.   I was devastated!  Although I put on a happy face, I truly thought I'd never 'get over it' and I was in and out of talk-therapy for 13 years.  During those years I went back to college and noticed that when I was allowed to pick the subject, I always chose 'Grief' as the topic of my papers.  I studied everything I could find about grief and believed that I knew a lot about it.  

In December of 2001 my sister, Donna returned to her home in Oklahoma City after realizing that she had been running from the pain, grief and guilt of losing our father in 1996.  She had been with him at the hospital when he had his final stroke and felt she should have done more.  (The family has never figured out what she thought she could have done, but that's another story.)  During the years since our father died, Donna had suffered 13 significant losses including a major betrayal by our mother.  By this time, she was struggling to function.  Donna's son was to be married in February and she asked me to come to Oklahoma City a week early to help her get ready for the wedding. 

That week in February was an eye-opening experience for me.  She was having a hard time getting herself dressed in the morning.   She couldn't work because getting dressed is a big part of working!  And no one will hire someone who can't stop crying.  She was full of anger.  She screamed and cried almost constantly.  She kept saying, "Why can't I stop crying?  Why can't I stop acting this way?"  I didn't have the answers.  I knew she wasn't angry with me so I let her vent.  Even after I left to come back to Arkansas, she would call me almost every night and cry for an hour or two.  She hated it and I hated seeing her in such pain.  I was the one who thought I knew a lot about grief and I had no answers.

A month or so later, I was at the library getting some books on tape when I noticed a tape on the bottom shelf that had the word "Grief" in the title.  I checked it out thinking that maybe I would find a tiny gem in it that would help me to help her.  Little did I know that it held the answer!

As I listened to the book, I was totally amazed.  It was NOTHING like the information I'd learned writing all those papers in college.  This book contained ACTIONS and a SOLUTION to the problem!  It was not repeating all the old myths that we have all learned in our society.  It was not saying that time heals all wounds.  This book contained the "what to do about it" chapter that was missing from all the other books.

Of course, the book I'd stumbled on was "The Grief Recovery Handbook," the same book we use for this Program.  As I listened to the book, it hit me that I was going to do whatever it took to get Donna to the next seminar.   I called The Grief Recovery Institute and spoke with Russell Friedman, a co-author of the book.  I was concerned about the cost of the program especially since I had to put her on a plane and pay for a hotel room.  I was hoping they offered scholarships, but after Russell kindly explained why they didn't, we agreed on a payment plan.  

I told him a little about Donna's story and asked him point-blank, "If I can get her there, can you help her?"  His answer was "Yes, if she is willing to do the work."   I knew she would be willing to do absolutely anything to make the pain go away, but I also knew that it would mean she'd have to get herself dressed, packed and to the airport on time.  I called her and asked her if she would go.  She had no money, but I assured her that it was taken care of.  Her payment was that she had to be willing to get herself there and do the work.  As I suspected, she would have crawled there on broken glass if it meant getting rid of the pain. 

So in April, with the help of her sons, she was able to get to the seminar in Boulder, Colorado.  She later told me that every step was agony.  The suitcase weighed a ton and just pulling it through the airport was agonizing.  Each step took every ounce of strength that she had left.   She flew out of Oklahoma City on Thursday.  Three days later on Sunday evening I answered my phone to hear my beautiful sister's happy voice saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"  She had done the work and felt wonderful.  After the seminar, she had actually read a magazine article and went for a walk in Boulder before she headed to the airport to catch her plane home.  It had been several years since she had been able to concentrate enough to read anything.  She hadn't been for a walk just because she wanted to in years either.  She was elated and amazed at the transformation in just a few days.

So, I saw her go from a person who couldn't work or even get herself dressed to being a whole happy person.   It was a dramatic transformation.  The following week, she enrolled in college full-time and found 2 part-time jobs to work around her college schedule.  Today, she is still a happy person.  She continues to tell me how grateful she is that someone cared enough about her to take a chance that the Grief Recovery Institute's program would help her.  Recently, when I asked her if I could tell her story on this website, she replied, "Yes!  Use it!  Shout it to the rooftops!  Tell everyone you know!  I have never been happier in my life." 

THANK YOU JOHN W. JAMES AND RUSSELL FRIEDMAN!

The following Christmas I noticed my other sister, Dee exhibiting grief behaviors.  I knew her loss history and felt that the program would help her.  I knew there was going to be a seminar in her city in March so I asked her if she'd like to attend to deal with her grief.  So once again, I called Russell Friedman and arranged another payment plan.  At that time, he told me that it was nice of me to keep sending my sisters but wondered when I was going to attend.  I told him that I would attend the seminar in Little Rock in August.  

So, now I was committed!  Up to that point I hadn't made a decision because I didn't feel like I really needed it.  It had, after all, been 30 years since my daughter's death and I was a calm and peaceful person.  My life seemed pretty good and many people commented about how calm I always appeared to be. 

So that March, Dee attended the seminar and had a "Wow" experience.  She was also amazed at what she discovered about herself and how completing just one loss helped her in so many ways. 

So when it was my turn to attend, I thought I'd probably work through the loss of my father.  John James was the leader at my seminar and he told us it was not unusual for people to come because of one loss, but through the process discover that they need to work on a totally different loss.  John kept saying, "Don't worry about who you are going to work on.  When you get to that point, you will KNOW which loss you need to complete."  And, of course that is what happened to me!  I was blown away when I discovered that I needed to complete the loss of my daughter.  After 30 years and 13 years of talk-therapy, I still had not completed the loss!  And as a result of this powerful training, I realized that I had other incomplete losses.

After going through the process, I knew what Dee meant when she called it a "Wow" experience.  Afterwards, I felt a
2-ton weight lift off my shoulders.  And I didn't even know it was there!  And it was confirmed when, on Sunday one wonderful lady in my group told me that I looked younger than I had on Thursday evening when we first met.  

So after experiencing the "Wow" for myself, I knew that I wanted to help others experience it. I have seen what a difference this program makes in the lives of others and in my own life.  Of course, neither my nor Dee's experience at the seminars were as dramatic as Donna's, but neither of us were as non-functional as Donna had been.  I have seen what this program can do for people I love and I have seen and felt it myself.  I want to help others to experience it, too.  I can't think of any better way to spend my time and energies. 

Won't you take a chance?  What have you got to lose?   Check out the calendar page to see when the next program begins.